Mr. Andrews, Mr. Kudo, Mr. Fairchild.
Morning.
Mr. Jensen, didn't see you at the History Club meeting.
That was the idea.
Mr. Edwards, how did the castration go on that polo pony?
You're next, pal.
Nice tie, teach. Clip-on?
- Daddy's boy. - Bite me!
Wellington Academy. Are you white?
Hold, please. I'll put you right through.
Wellington Academy. Are you white?
Hold, please. I'll put you through.
Mr. Clark, your father's waiting for you.
How are you doing, Mr. Clark? Looking good.
- Thank you, Mr. Kuntzler, I'm fine. - Good.
There he is, the man of the hour.
Son, don't just stand there. Come join us.
For a moment, I didn't think you were gonna make it.
Father, I really need to talk to you.
Plenty of time for that, son. Sit down. I have something to tell you.
Sit down, Richard, and smoke.
- But, Father-- - Now, everyone smokes a pipe here.
I do it. Your grandfather did it.
Even the Indians smoked on this land...
before they traded it away for some chickens and a pound of jewelry.
- But, Father, I hate-- - Suck.
Son, it gives me great pleasure to announce that we're promoting you...
to Assistant Vice Chairman of the History Department.
Father, that's why we have to talk.
Yes, there's lots to talk about.
You'll need a telephone, and we'll move you from the basement--
Father, for once in your life, will you just listen to me?
Oh, my -
Look, I've taken a job...
at Barry High School.
For the moment, I will assume that you've found a sense of humor and are joking.
I'm not joking.
Richard, if you do this, you will fail.
You will fail.
And mark my words, you'll come crawling back here with your tail between your legs.
You're wrong, Father. I'm going to succeed at Barry High School.
And I have no intention of ever crawling back here with anything between my legs.
Barry High.
Hey, could you point me to the faculty parking lot'?
Thanks a lot.
Where?
Beautiful morning.
- Come on, give me a break. - All right.
Man.
Hold it. What is this?
- No, wait a minute. - What the heck is this? Get on in there.
Come here.
- You had them last week. - I know what you mean.
All right, give me $3.
My brother, 24 carats, $24.
No, thank you. I already have a--
Falique Abdul, please come to the office. One of your fathers is here.
You watch it, okay. Okay?
- Who's that? - How the hell should I know?
Well, what have we got here? Griff, welcome back, bro.
So you finally got what you wanted?
It's a nice little business. Keeps us in pocket change.
I knew it was you that set me up, bro.
If it bothers you that much, go ahead, make your move.
Or did that year in juvie soften your cheese?
This is my turf now. You show me respect. Me.
Paco de la Vega-El Camino-Cordova-Jose Cuervo- Sanchez-Rodriguez...
Junior.
Are we not forgetting a name?
- What's that? - Skid mark.
All right, you toughs. Break it up.
Now, cut it out.
You boys ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
School is no place for fighting.
What are you looking for?
I'm looking for the rest your posse...
that's going to keep me from ripping you a new asshole.
I will pretend for the moment that you meant that in a nice way.
But I am warning you, I'm about to lose my temper.
Now, I want you boys to shake hands.
Go on.
There. See?
Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
It's always best to shake hands, unless someone just sneezed into it...
or if they have a stump. That could be a little weird.
All right, now go on, everybody. Get back to class.
Cross me again, Griffy-boy...
and even Mr. Rogers here won't be able to save your ass.
- Go on. Bye. - Let's go, dogs.
Gentlemen, I believe classes are this way.
They're not at school here anymore.
- Are you in school here? - Yeah.
- First day? - No, not really. I was--
Mine, too. I'm a new teacher, Mr. Clark. What's your name?
- Griff McReynolds. - Nice to meet you, Griff.
You know, son, I remember my first day at school.
Hope you live through this one, chump.
Your attention, please.
Today begins sexual awareness week. Please contact Nurse Johnson in the hall.
Here you go, you little slut.
Excuse me. I'm looking for Room 134.
Thank you.
Keep moving. I repeat, keep moving.
Pick up that can.
Where are you going? The little girls' room is that way.
Hey, take off those colors.
Yeah, you. Lose the cigarette.
Take a hike, Gumby. Get rid of the sunglasses.
Excuse me. But this kind of behavior...
I'd bet the principal would frown on this sort of thing.
Evelyn Doyle, Principal.
Look, pinhead, I don't know what nursery school you come from...
but here you screw up, you die.
Every bad kid in the city is dumped into our laps.
Excuse me, Ms. Doyle, with all due respect...
I don't think there is such a thing as a bad kid.
At least, they don't start off that way. They just need someone they can relate to...
and I can reach them. I know what's def, what's wack...
what's jam, what's straight-up booty.
Mr. Clark, how long have you been teaching here?
Twenty minutes!
I've been here over 20 years. Don't you question my authority on this.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Are you having a hard time finding your way around?
Yes. I'm looking...
for Room 134.
- Hi. Victoria Chapell. - Richard Clark.
Nice to meet you, Mr. Clark. It's down this way.
What do you teach, Ms. Chapell?
I'm Principal Doyle's administrative assistant.
Drama coach. You did say Room 134?
Yes.
This is it. All of our classrooms are in dire need of repair.
Ever since the legislature passed that "Three F's and You're Out" law...
a lot of schools have closed.
The school board decided it just wasn't worth it.
I guess they just gave up on these kids.
So we've been squeezed for money ever since.
We've been forced to--
Guess I'll get that later.
Mr. Clark, are you by any chance related to Thaddeus Clark...
Headmaster at the Wellington School?
Yeah. He's my father.
Every school in the district uses his book as a faculty primer.
You know, I don't see the family resemblance.
Most people think I take after my mum.
Look at this place. Boy, it has great character.
Sure, it needs a little paint and plaster...
and floorboards...
and pest control.
With a little elbow grease--
Jesus'.!
And some new wiring, she'll be back to shape in no time.
Smell those seats.
It says, "Teach me. I want to learn."
- You must think I'm a silly idealist. - No.
I really admire your dedication.
Your wife must be very proud of you.
Actually, I'm not married.
I find that surprising.
It's pretty hard to be married, if you've never had a steady girlfriend.
I'm much too busy with work to think about much else other than work.
That's very admirable.
The last time I heard someone talk like that was old Mr. Riley.
He was head of the History Department until last semester.
Retired?
If you can call being beaten to death retiring.
Coffee?
The lounge.
- I'm going in. Cover me. - Good luck in Home Ec, Lou.
It's a little early to start drinking, don't you think?
Who stops?
Hi, I'm Richard Clark. I'm a new history teacher here.
- What department do you teach in? - I don't know. Something on the third floor.
Richard, I'd like you to meet somebody.
This is Bernie Raveling, our athletic director, and...
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Raveling.
- Letting the moustache grow in, I see. - Richard--
From the looks of the stubble, I'd say it's going to be a beaut.
I had one in college myself.
Richard, that's Ms. Wells, the girls' gym teacher.
Did I mention how attractive you look, Ms. Wells?
That blue sweat suit really brings out the color of your eyes.
You coming on to me, pickle dick?
No. I'd never dream of it.
- Not good enough for you? - Well, it's been a real pleasure.
They should really fix the lighting in here.
AH right, settle down, you people.
Knock it off. Quiet!
I want quiet.
It's a new semester. That means new I.D. cards...
strip searches and fresh fingerprints.
Shut up!
As you know, Mr. Amati...
our assistant principal, is still missing.
If you know of his whereabouts, or if you have him...
contact me immediately.
And also don't forget, in less than two months...
the state will administer the Academic Proficiency Test.
Anyone planning on going to college is required to take these exams.
Don't forget Career Day on Fridays.
The United States Marines and the Michigan Militia...
will have recruiters here on campus.
AH right, listen up!
We have a new teacher.
His name is Richard Clark.
It's his first day.
Give him at least a week before you do something terrible to him.
Mr. Clark, do you have anything to say?
Now, you all should know--
Actually, yes.
I was asked a while back, what teaching meant to me.
My reward, is being able to shape and mold...
agile young minds like yours.
Someday you will be the world's leaders.
But [he important thing is, I see in you...
the future of America.
You suck!
That's enough, miss!
She's the school's librarian.
Jeez, talk about low morale.
All right, please settle down.
There. That's more like it.
I know.
I'm the enemy.
I'm the "grown-up."
But, darn it, I was a kid once, too.
And I haven't led a choirboy's life.
I've got my share of parking tickets.
At a baseball game once...
I moved down to the expensive seats.
Yeah. I'm not proud of it.
In order to get to know you...
I've devised a little system.
When I call your name...
I would like you to stand up...
and then you tell me a little something about yourself.
Natalie Thompson.
- Is there a Natalie Thompson here? - I'm here.
- What's up, girl? - Why are you late?
- Because the bell rang before I got here. - Well--
All right. Before you came in, we were just talking about sharing personal information.
Perhaps you can tell us something about yourself.
For the last week, I've had a yeast infection that's extremely--
Not that personal.
Something about what you enjoy doing.
I like writing poetry.
A poet. I love poetry.
Perhaps you have a nice one you'd like to share with us.
Okay.
Here's one I wrote yesterday.
"Oh, hopelessness
"unrelenting, blood-drenched
"intestine-twisting hopelessness
"So thick and mucous-like in a stinking, vomit-filled void
"I am but a rancid carcass on the highway
"Road kill for the maggots
"Floating in shark-filled bile, like wildebeest entrails"
That's as far as I got. I would have finished but...
I couldn't find anything to rhyme with "festering drippage."
Well, thank you, Natalie.
Is it Anthony Jefferson?
Anferny.
I beg your pardon?
- Anferny. - Anferny?
Anferny, I thought I wrote it down wrong.
All right. Tell us a little something about yourself, Anferny.
You know. I like chilling with my boys...
blazing up a fat blunt...
rizzeezing my mizzonkey...
hitting skins with my old lady...
hanging my ass over the line, tagging freeway bridges.
I'm down with that poetry shit, too. You want to hear?
- Sure. - All right.
"My benevolence is upset and so is my pride
"That's why I took my bitch
"for a ride
"I'm down with the bros and I'm up on my shiznit
"because I love it when I'm just laid back chilling with my bitch"
"Whichever one of them hoes I'm with"
I call it, Love Can Be A Wonderful Thing.
Thank you, Anferny.
That was quite romantic.
Julie Rubels. Miss Rubels?
That's Mrs. Rubels.
See, right after I got out of prison, I met Tito...
and that's when little Juan and Maria came along.
I certainly hope you learned a valuable lesson.
Yes.
Basically, as far as vasectomies go, never use the home kit.
Thank you, Julie.
Griff McReynolds?
Where's Griff? Griff.
We had the pleasure of meeting earlier today.
Hey, Griff, let me ask you something.
Where do you see yourself in, say, 20 years?
Living in your house, homes...
with your cracker ass buried under the front porch.
Hi.
Excuse me.
Hi.
- How was your first day? - Not bad. Not bad at all.
I think I may be reaching them.
Victoria?
Do you think you could give me a ride home?
I seem to have misplaced my car.
Don't worry about it. All the teachers lose their cars the first day.
Of course I'll give you a ride.
That is, if you promise to help me chaperone...
the Welcome Back dance tonight.
Really?
I'd love to.
Great.
So I'll meet you out in the parking lot in five minutes?
Okay.
- Tripping, right? - Right.
All right, peep this out, y'all. We going to pump it up a little bit like this.
Yeah.
Listen, I have a record I want you to play.
Don't you think the kids would enjoy a nice song with a melody?
What you got, homes?
It is a rare, one-of-a-kind, original pressing.
Yeah? All right, man. I'm going to put it on here for you.
- Thanks. - No problem.
Yo, man, these jams be kicking, man.
You got any more of this funky fresh shit lying around the crib?
- Hey-
You're in my history class, right?
- I'm Griff McReynolds. - Natalie Thompson.
That was a pretty nice poem you read in class today, Natalie.
- Thanks. - How do you think of all that stuff?
I try not to, you know?
Is it true you used to run the gang before Paco?
Yeah, but I'm through with gangs. Word up.
I mean, in juvie I had time to do some thinking and some reading.
You're different from everybody else here.
Most of the boys I know, they're all crude and immature.
Most of the time, they just want to stare at girls' breasts.
- You know what I mean? - Sorry. What?
This is my song.
- You want to bust one? - I don't know. We just met.
Come on. It's just an innocent little dance.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right, boys, let's party.
Yo, Mr. DeMarco in the house. Beat it.
- Paco. - What up'?
What's the 411 on my shipment?
Same as always. Mr. A's Restaurant, Friday nights.
You bring the cash. We bring the boot. You know the drill.
You tell Mr. A to expect me.
I'll do that.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to go mingle with my customers.
See, real money talks.
Let's see if yours does.
I mean, there was a time...
when I tried all the self-help groups like Outward Bound...
and that other one where a bunch of men sit around a campfire naked...
beating drums and abusing themselves.
Then I tried drugs. Prozac, Zantac, Monoxodil.
But in the end, you know what I found worked for me?
Dim sum.
Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed by life...
I just head to Chinatown.
Yo, Mr. Clark, Paco and his boys heading up in here. You want us to serve them fools?
Look. Anferny, instead of using your fists...
try using this.
Head-butting?
Never mind. Just pick a window and guard it.
Richard, you're not really going to try and stop...
Paco and his gang from coming in, are you?
- They come to all the dances. - Not anymore.
What if they got guns and knives and everything?
Who'd bring guns and knives to a dance?
In that case, maybe we'd better call the police.
No, wait. The last time they tried that, four people ended up in the hospital.
I can see your point. We can't have kids going to the hospital.
Who said anything about kids? The cops were beaten senseless.
All right.
You take care of the music. Anferny, you and your guys, you come with me.
Let's go.
Say, nice leather jacket.
- Men's Warehouse? - Shut up, teach.
We're coming in, so stand aside.
Not this time, gentlemen. This dance is for Barry students only.
We're not gonna have any gangs inside our school.
- Who's gonna stop us? - My gang.
We already up inside the school.
You call them bunch of pussies a gang?
Look, Paco, if you're interested in coming back to school...
-and working towards a career-- - Shut up!
Are you gonna move aside...
or am I gonna have to turn your eyebrows into a moustache?
Paco...
-why don't you chill out, man? - Stay out of this, Griff.
- Since when you been down with O.P.P? - What you tripping about?
- You with my girl. - I am not your girl, Paco.
- Since when? - We went on one date.
If I had known you were gonna rob that liquor store...
trust me, I never would have gone.
No one got hurt, did they?
Only 'cause the clerk was wearing a bulletproof turban.
All right, that's enough.
Fine. I don't want you anyway, you super freak.
You're a real jack-off, you know that?
That's enough. I mean it.
We're all civilized human beings here.
Certainly we can come up with a compromise.
All right. I just got some fresh wheels.
How about a chickee run?
- You're a real idiot, you know? - That's good. Chickee run.
Isn't that better than fighting?
Okay, everybody, let's go. Back to dancing.
- And we'll see you in, what? - Ten minutes. Beck's Bluff.
- See you at the Bluff. - Thanks, pal.
Chickee run.
See? There's always an intelligent way to solve our differences.
My God, Richard, do you have any idea what you've just done?
Get lost, punk.
All right.
First one to jump out of the car before the edge of the cliff loses.
Now remember, no ramming, no swerving...
and absolutely no use of brakes at any time.
All right, listen up, guys. Here's the deal.
When I drop this scarf...
you boys are gonna go.
No jumping the gun.
Ready...
set...
Se!
Richard, just promise me you'll be careful.
Remember some things are irreplaceable.
Irreplaceable? Nothing's gonna happen to me.
I was talking about my car!
Hey.
Griff. Paco. Listen to me, boys.
Going fast never solved anything.
This is no way to resolve a dispute.
We can work this mess out.
I want you both to get out of your cars right now...
and we'll settle this in an adult manner...
like a fistfight.
There. That's better.
Nobody panic.
I'm okay.
Here's the tip. Nobody has to know about this.
Our little secret.
Firefighters from all over Southern California...
are still trying to contain the flames that have blackened over 200 acres...
and caused several blocks of homes to be evacuated.
The charred remains of three cars were found in the rubble.
One, a classic Corvette, has been described by experts...
as being irreplaceable.
I think we've heard enough bad news for one day.
What we've been hearing are rumors...
that some of our students may have been involved in this fire.
And very possibly, a teacher.
You wouldn't know anything about that, would you, Mr. Clark?
No.
You know, Clark...
I've been thinking that maybe we got off on the wrong foot.
I happen to be a woman who has strong opinions...
about how this place should be run.
It's just possible that you and I don't see eye-to-eye...
on our philosophies of education.
I've always been a woman of few words.
No miracles.
Dumping ground.
I'll need more words than that, ma'am.
All right. I'll spell it out for you.
Our primary job here...
is to warehouse these delinquents, until such time as they can be released...
into the general population...
or sent to a real jail.
Look, although I may admire and even appreciate your ideals...
I know what works, Mr. Clark.
I know what to expect from these kids...
and they know what to expect from me.
My hope is that you can fit into the pattern here at Barry.
I guess I should get to class.
I've certainly enjoyed our chat...
and I'll take everything you've said to heart.
Clark!
Mr. Clark...
Chickee run, man. Yeah.
- Mr. Clark, you were smoking last night. - Thanks, Anferny.
My man!
For you, Mr. Clark.
Richard, you forgot your briefcase.
How sweet. Is that for me?
Sorry about your car.
All right. I want everyone to take their...
seats .
Today, I'd like to talk about...
All right. I guess I won't need this anymore.
Let's begin, shall we?
Yesterday, I was about to start with the Bill of Rights...
and what they mean to all of us.
Who can tell me about the Founding Fathers and their doctrine?
Let me go, man.
That's not funny. Let go.
Your attention, please.
This is Principal Doyle welcoming you once again...
to Barry High': weekly Career Day.
All the companies represented here have been handpicked...
by me in order to give you a full' spectrum of safe and legal' ways...
What's up, man? I see you got a bright future ahead of you.
You wouldn't understand, Paco. I'm trying to help my family.
See now, this is the shit that's going to feed your family, not some...
rinky-dink job.
Go ahead, man. I'm sure you could use it.
I got a big deal going down, all right, with DeMarco at Mr. A's Restaurant.
- You remember the zip code, right? - Yeah.
I need a good mule.
- Are you up for it? - I can't even think about that right now.
Who's asking you to think? Ask Alonzo here. Thinking hurts.
Richard?
Hello?
You tell your boyfriend this is only the beginning. He better back off.
Get your hands off of me!
Come on, I know you want this. I read Mike Tyson's book.
Javier, come quick and bring your tools.
Don't worry, Victoria, I'm here.
Let me handle this.
Here, put this on.
Animal.
Get off of her.
Here, sit down.
Victoria.
No. Stay away from me.
- It's okay. It's me. - I know.
What the hell's going on here?
I was attacked.
Dressed like that, what do you expect?
And alone with him.
It wasn't just me. There were three of us.
That makes it all better.
No. I was wrestling with the other guy. He was trying to have sex with her.
I don't care what your arrangement was, or how it went wrong.
Now you listen to me, Clark.
Either you shape up, or I'll bounce you out of here...
faster than a homo at Fort Dix.
- Does it hurt here? - A little.
And here?
- How about here? - I can't feel your hand.
That's because I'm touching myself.
I better get you something to wear. You have a T-shirt around here anywhere?
Top drawer.
Here we are.
Poor thing. You must be exhausted.
Let me loosen that bra and get you some air.
Richard...
Victoria, I'm sorry about all this. It's all my fault.
If they think by attacking you they can scare me off, they're nuts.
They can attack you all they want. I'm gonna get through to these kids.
Sure, getting them to come to class, it's a small victory...
-but it isn't enough. - Richard, they have to want to learn.
That's exactly my point. And I think Griff is the key.
He seems to be a leader. Now...
if I could just reach him, I could get through to the others--
You have to be careful.
If you raise their expectations...
their hopes, and their dreams, and then you fail?
It's worth the risk.
These are all basically good kids.
They deserve the same experiences that we all had in high school.
Dating, going to proms, and begging for sex.
Richard, you have to trust me on this one.
I'm your friend.
I'm more than a friend.
To me?
Yes. Why not?
Well, no one who's ever looked like you has ever looked at me.
That's their loss.
You know, I have never been very good at relationships.
In fact, most of mine always ended with, you know:
"Hey, what are you doing in bed with that other woman?"
And that was me talking.
Victoria, I do find you very attractive.
What's wrong?
I'm scared.
It's okay, you can be on top.
No, it isn't that.
Trouble just seems to follow me around.
Everywhere I go, there's always someone looking to bust my balls.
Don't worry, Richard.
Your balls are safe with me.
My God, you're a virgin.
No, I still have my panties on.
- I still can't... - Richard, I'm over here.
Driver, I'm the next stop.
Forget it, pal. We don't stop in this neighborhood.
Griff?
- Here you go, darling. - Thanks, Sam.
Watch your back.
Here's your cola, Griff.
- Griff. - Mr. Clark.
- What are you doing here? - I live here.
I realize a lot of these men do, but you can get help for this, son.
No. I mean my mom and I live in an apartment upstairs.
Listen, Griff. The reason I came here is because I--
I sense that you want to make something of yourself...
and if you help me, we can turn the school around.
Why me, man? You'll have to get somebody else.
Who do you think is watching my little...
brothers and sisters while my moms is working? I'm all they got.
You remind me a lot of myself when I was your age...
except I was white and had both parents and lived in the suburbs...
and I didn't have any brothers or sisters.
Maybe you remind me of somebody else.
Griff, don't you have a dream?
- You wouldn't be interested, man. - Sure I would. Tell me.
- Promise you won't tell anyone. - You have my word.
- I want to go to college. - College? You got to be...
I'm sorry. Listen, Griff, I'll make you a deal.
You help me get these kids to learn...
and I promise you, I will do everything in my power to get you into college.
Don't try to play me, Mr. Clark.
I've been promised stuff before that hasn't come true.
I'm saying, where would I get the money for college from?
- You ever hear of scholarships? - Yeah!
Well...
you probably won't get any of those.
But there are plenty of other ways. I promise you.
Don't just take my word for it, all right?
You go home, you talk it over with your mother.
I'm sure she'll agree with me.
Here.
Listen, Griff, you don't have to live in a community...
infested with crimes, and drugs, and gangs.
You don't have to end up in some sleazy bar with a bunch of washed-up bums...
watching some over-the-hill stripper expose herself...
for a few measly dollars in her G-string.
Okay. Now, in the next six weeks...
I am gonna try and cram as much knowledge into your brains as is humanly possible.
Or as space will allow.
Now, this is your textbook for the semester.
They open like this.
Now all of you try it.
Good.
All right. Let's get to work.
Maybe we should start with some basic English.
Now, who can give me a complete sentence?
Yo, you wack punk, you be going down the hard way.
All right, that's a good sentence. Let's examine it.
"Yo" is a common colloquial greeting...
comma...
“you wank punk...
"you be going ..."
This is just bad syntax. Who can give me another sentence?
- Julie. - I think my water broke.
Good.
II' think---II
- What's the capital of Nebraska? - Lincoln.
- Right. Who freed the slaves? - Lincoln.
Right. Charles Keating cooked the books of what S and L ?
- Lincoln. - Yes.
- Who makes the best town car? - Cadillac.
No.
- Lincoln! - Amazing.
Now we're getting somewhere.
You and three of your G's are on someone else's turf.
You're cruising along in your fly ride about 20 miles per.
There's a posse of eight homies just sitting in front of their crib, they're just...
chilling on the porch playing some fresh jams.
- Who they got on the box? - I think they're riffing with Tag Team...
maybe some Ice, Snoop, Biggie, Junior MAFIA, whatever.
They decide that they want to throw down.
So, you and your boys, you pile out of your hooptie for the face-off.
They have six baseball bats and two chains.
You have three brass knuckles...
and two sawed-off pool cues, you know, jimmy sticks.
Now, what I want to know is what is the ratio...
of metal weapons to wooden ones?
Over here, over here, Mr. Clark, Julie knows.
Okay, pop quiz. Who was the first president to use the telephone?
- Anferny. - Nixon.
No. Griff.
- Garfield. - Yes.
First president to be on television?
Anferny.
- Johnny Carson. - No, he was never president. Natalie.
- Eisenhower. - Yes.
Who was the last president to blow chunks on a Japanese head of state?
Anferny.
- Bush? - Yes!
Good day, Ms. Doyle.
Good morning, Ms. Doyle.
You looking fine, Ms. Doyle.
Mr. Arno“? Where have you been'?
They released me.
Everyone...
state law prohibits Mr. Clark from being here today, so he's at home...
probably a little nervous, but I'm sure rooting for all of you.
All right, here we go.
The Academic Proficiency Test.
You have eight hours in which to complete this exam. Good luck to all of you.
Begin work now.
Every day people are discovering just how fun and easy it is...
to get a precision-layered haircut with the incredible...
Flowbee Precision Haircutting System.
Don't be fooled by imitators.
Flowbee cuts from a half-inch to six inches long.
Can't do it wrong. Get a close-up on this. Squeeze.
Go ahead. Show your abs.
Shit.
All right, time's up.
Come on. Time's up. Close your booklets.
I'm sure you all did very well.
Scores will be posted at the end of this week.
How do you think you did on the test?
I don't know. For the first time in my life, I feel like I did something right.
Me, too.
- Check this out. - What is it?
It's my future. Remember that college I was telling you about?
- Yeah. - They wrote me back yesterday.
- Yeah. - Now I feel like I got a real chance to get in.
Guess I owe a lot to Mr. Clark?
Yeah, you know, I think all the kids pretty much feel the same way.
I mean, think about it.
We could both end up at the same school together.
Griff, this is the happiest I ever remember being.
It's the first time in my life I haven't prayed for a gas line to rupture...
under my building while I was smoking.
Natalie, I'm glad you're happy.
Come on. There's something I want you to see.
Okay.
Mr. Clark has taken this place on as a special project.
"Fie, my lord, fie!
"Out, damned spot. Out, I say."
Line!
"Who would have thought the old man to have so much blood?"
"Who would have thought the old man to have so much blood in him?"
Take it off!
Hustle up, man. Come on, hurry up.
Yeah, sweet.
This ought to take care of our little problem.
Let's get out of here, Paco.
Hey, give it a rest.
Everyone, I just want to say before the test scores arrive...
that I am so proud of all of you.
Well?
As I expected, every student in this class failed.
The lowest scores in the country.
- But there must be some mistake. - That's right.
And you're it. See for yourself. Figures don't lie.
We're not dealing with Rhodes scholars here.
It's time I just accepted what I am and get on with my life.
No, Griff, wait.
See what you've done?
I told you to leave them at the bottom of the barrel, where they belong.
Griff, wait.
Consider yourself terminated as of right now.
Natalie, wait.
Chuckie, wait.
Wait, Ms. Doyle, you're making a huge mistake.
Mr. Clark has helped this school. He's a good teacher.
And I'm not just saying that because we slept together.
Clean out your desk by the end of the day.
- Richard, wait. - No.
You were right all along.
I didn't know what I was getting into with these kids.
Richard.
I'm out of here.
What's wrong with all of you?
Have you forgotten how much Mr. Clark has helped us?
You had a D average before Mr. Clark started tutoring you.
Now you're on the honor roll.
And this boy. Everyone thought he had Tourette's syndrome until Mr. Clark...
discovered he was a Hindu exchange student.
You suck!
You can come back. Look at me. I'm living proof.
Call me.
Richard, wait!
Richard.
I'm telling you, I'm really worried about Richard.
I've been calling his house for the past three days...
and I keep getting the same message:
"Hi. I'm not here, and I may never be again."
Julie?
Buddy up with a mangy dog or a small child.
Hey, Nat, are you okay?
- I'm afraid Griff's gonna join Paco's gang. - Come on.
Check this out.
Word on the street is Paco and his little punk dogs slipped those mentals we took.
What I'm saying is, they switched the tests. That's why everybody flunked.
You know, you guys. I probably didn't need no help.
- Oh, my God, this is awful. - Then we just got to find Mr. Clark.
Yeah, but where? Where do you find a man that depressed?
Wait a minute. Dim sum.
Chinatown. Come on.
Okay, this is it. Julie, Natalie...
-why don't you two head down that way? - Okay.
Anferny, go down to the south end of the block, and I'll go down this way.
All right.
Please, let this be the one.
Richard, what are you trying to do to yourself?
Richard, snap out of it. Don't you recognize me?
Mum?
No, it's me.
Father O' Flannery?
Mister?
You okay? Mister, you okay?
This girl over there, she asked about you. Come. Now.
- Richard, thank God. - Victoria?
I've been looking everywhere for you. I didn't know you drank.
I drank?
I thought it was just my pet gorilla here.
How many fingers?
Come on, Mr. Clark, snap out of it. We got to get Griff out of that drug deal.
Maybe we should just let the cops handle this.
That would be fine if I didn't mind waiting 20 years to see Griff again.
Don't worry. I'll just go in and get him.
Mr. Clark, you can't just go in there and be like:
"Okay, Griff, we're going home," else you gonna be going home in a box.
The only way we're going to get Griff out of there...
is you got to show up in the back room with the cash.
You got the cash, you the man.
- Where am I gonna get the cash? - Man, DeMarco gonna be there.
What you think he carry in his briefcase? Food stamps?
Your job is to make his cash your cash.
- Did you get it? -It's all in there.
Good.
We just got time to eat.
All right, everybody, wait here.
- I'll handle this. - You not out in 20 minutes...
me and my G's is coming in after you, straight up.
Go in there and represent, Mr. Clark. You can do it.
I can do this.
- What are you doing here? - I'm here to help you.
Richard, if anything happens, I want to be here with you.
Thanks.
How are we gonna know which one is DeMarco?
- We'll just take a wild guess. - Where?
Come on.
- Someday you will be the world's leaders. - You suck!
Where you going?
It's a mistake, man. I can't do this.
I thought we settled this, Griffy-boy.
You better decide right now. You in or out?
- I ain't asking again. - Define "in or out."
In, you're with us, and out, you're dead.
Works for me.
Where the hell's our waiter?
Good evening, gentlemen...
and welcome to Mr. A's fine dining establishment.
I'm Zack. I'll be your waiter this evening, and this is my trainee, Paula.
I'm an Aries. I enjoy water sports and dancing.
- And my hobbies are origami-- - Enough small talk.
Just bring us two thick T-bones.
Yes, sir.
Would you like those with or without the bones?
And a couple of glasses of water.
All right. Let me tell you about our water then.
It comes from the Los Angeles aqueduct...
where it flows down a lovely cement channel on a bed of--
I don't care where it came from. Just bring it to us.
I'll take that. It's his birthday.
Would anyone care for some desserts this evening?
Look, you little weasel. Just bring us what we asked for.
Unless you want me to stick this bread stick up your ass.
It sure would taste better if you didn't.
You might want to try buttering it first.
Hey, stand back.
Come on. We've got to change disguises.
You ready?
Yeah, but unfortunately we've got this other thing we got to do first.
Let's see what's in this thing.
Jesus'.!
Hurry.
Manny, zap that sauce for me, will you?
Got it.
Now, what do you want?
I'm here to see Mr. A.
Who the hell are you?
I'm MLB.
Mr. D couldn't make it. He's out with Mr. C.
You're early.
DeMarco's early.
Say what? You?
Mr. Clark, Miss Chapell, what are you doing here?
No need to be so formal, boys.
We're not in school anymore.
Two seconds you gonna be one dead teacher. How's that for formal?
Now, we work for DeMarco, buying and selling drugs.
We're lowlife scumbags. Just like you.
- What are you talking about? - What better cover than...
a teacher and a secretary?
Administrative assistant.
Yes, all right.
All right, enough of this small talk. I've got business with Mr. A. Where is he?
I'm right here.
- Clark? - Ms. Doyle?
Around here they call me Mr. A.
Mister?
I inherited the business from my late husband.
- I'm shocked. - What?
That a woman can run a business?
No. That you were ever married.
All right. Let's do it.
What exactly is she doing here?
She's my bitch.
Well, my significant other.
We've been slapping skins for quite some time now.
You say you work for DeMarco. Why should I believe you?
Why would I have his briefcase unless I was working for him?
That doesn't prove anything.
You could have seen him down in the restaurant...
dressed up like a waiter, created some kind of diversion...
while she snatched it from under the table.
That's a little far-fetched, don't you think?
Wait a minute. Think about it. You think he's capable of all that?
Hey, all right.
What's the big idea?
- You work out? - All right. Knock it off.
I say we off him now, and then do what we want with their bodies.
Easy, Paco, easy.
So, you like getting high, Clark?
Who doesn't?
Then perhaps you'd like to sample the finest crank in town.
Sure. Load me up a spike. Let's get this party into gear.
- Look man, he's clean. No tracks. - I take mine in the ass.
Got used to it as a kid. Shots.
You're starting to piss me off, man.
Maybe you don't have enough holes in your head already.
Excuse me. Something seems to be riding up here.
What's going on there?
Nothing I know rides up that high.
Here.
Tie off.
You really should have someone look at that. It could be malignant.
Quit stalling. We don't want to be here all night.
Here's looking at you, kid.
This shit be kicking.
Man, I'm wasted off my ass and you're still ugly.
False alarm.
Some idiot put a gun in the microwave.
Good stuff?
So what have you got to say for yourself?
Nothing, really.
Except it's going to be an interesting morning tomorrow, after my coffee.
I'll need at least two magazines.
- So it's all here? - As far as you know.
- Half a million? - Really?
Yes, down to the penny.
Now, I'll just take my stuff and be on my way.
Wait here.
Griff, you got to get out of here.
You're throwing your life away, messing around with these drug dealers.
- Look who's talking. - No, he's not a real drug dealer.
He's just pretending. He's here to save you.
- You risked your life to come here for me? - Yeah, of course I did.
Well, not the risking-my-life part.
Anyway, look, Paco switched the tests, and the police are probably already on their way.
We got to get out before--
- It's the waiter and his trainee. - Yeah. Where the hell's our dinner?
You jughead. They're the ones who stole our briefcase.
DeMarco, what's going on?
Is this your idea of a straight deal?
- We thought Clark was your guy. - I never seen him before tonight.
Hey. Another one of these, one of us is gonna have an orgasm.
Clark, you never should have messed with me. I don't want him found.
No problem.
No.
- Come on, G's. They're down this way. - You guys.
In the house.
Doyle is getting away. Stop her.
Seems to me we've got some unfinished business.
You're forgetting a couple things, aren't you?
- Yeah, what's that? - Richard's not here to help you this time.
And?
I have a frozen pig's foot.
What's he doing?
What's going on?
Come on!
Look! There's a bigger man, and he's got a gun!
- Christ! - Sorry.
This was a new suit, pickle dick.
Get back.
What are you fossils staring at? Eat your vegetables.
Get back! I'm gonna walk out of here. You punks get out of the way.
I'm gonna count to three, and if you're not moving, I'm gonna start shooting.
Do what she says, kids.
Chill, Mr. Clark. She ain't shooting nothing but the breeze.
You kids are even bigger boneheads than I thought.
And everybody knows it, too, except for this fool.
You know, Ms. Doyle, that's just what you...
and people like you, want everyone to think, isn't it'?
That somehow, no matter what goes down, we just can't cut it.
You use that as an excuse to hold us back...
but Mr. Clark showed us that there is another way.
Another way to flunk.
Think we failed that test? Listen up.
If x is 17 ?, plus the square root of 4, minus 6...
what's X ?
Thirteen.
Famous Russian author of The Brothers Karamazov?
Who is Dostoyevsky.
The Gadsden Purchase formed parts of what two states?
Arizona and New Mexico.
All right, I'll shoot him.
- What's the capital of Ecuador? - Quito!
Back off! I mean it.
- NASA's Apollo Program ended what year? 1975!
Stay away from me.
Who was responsible for the first moonwalk?
Michael Jackson!
What did he say?
No, I'm just playing, man. It was Louis Armstrong's brother, Neil.
What group...
is responsible for the consumption of the most doughnuts in Los Angeles?
- Police! - Right.
Nobody move. Get your hands up.
This isn't what it looks like.
Say hello to Mr. A.
So this is Mr. A. We've been looking for him for years.
You're under arrest, fellow.
Hey, partner, there's about five more gangster-pops in the freezer.
It was her, man. She masterminded the whole thing.
- I'll testify in court. She's Mr. A. - We know.
Could I borrow your coat? I can't feel my legs.
Come on, let me go, man. I'll give you $50,000.
Ms. Doyle, I guess we just got off on the wrong foot.
No hard feelings.
Wonderbra?
I swear to God, Clark, when I get out, I'm gonna hunt you down...
and beat you like a circus monkey.
By the way, happy birthday.
This shit be kicking.
And now, to present the diplomas...
principal pro tem, Richard C. Clark.
Will the graduates please rise and begin...
Richard, I never thought I'd say this...
but I was wrong about you, son.
I can't believe what you've accomplished here.
Thanks, Dad.
When I call your name, please step forward to receive your diploma.
Anferny Jefferson.
Julie Rubels.
There's Mommy.
Achmed Duvded.
Natalie Thompson.
And the Valedictorian of our class, with a 2.35 GPA...
Griff McReynolds.
You did it, buddy.
Way to go, Griff. That's my boy!
That's my boy.
Good for you, Griff!
For all of you who did not make the journey to this stage today...
I say to you, work as hard as you can...
do a couple hours of home work each night...
and nothing can stop you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the graduating class of 1996.
Graduates, graduate!
Coming up on the 11:00 report...
Sparky the rottweiler is still missing on that Korean airliner...
day 32.
A deadly strain of bacteria found in movie popcorn...
striking its victims exactly one-and-a-half hours after being consumed.
And in sports...
Steve's gonna tell us about Marge Schott's purchase of the Harlem Globetrotters.
That's all coming up next.